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Second Chance with Her Soldier
Barbara Hannay
Returning from the front line, Corporal Joe Madden clutches his divorce papers. After a series of heart-breaking fertility problems, his once perfect marriage is set for the final curtain.It may be three years since Ellie saw her husband, yet the power to make her heart race is just as strong. But he’s only passing through and all that’s needed is her signature…Until the rain begins to fall on Karinya Station, and there is nowhere to escape.Could a Christmas peace treaty and a magical few days bring the sparkle back into their marriage?
Quickly, bravely, she said, “For the record, Joe, it isn’t true.”
He turned, looking at her intently. “What do you mean?”
His blue eyes seemed to penetrate all the way to her soul. Her heart began to gallop. She couldn’t back down now that she’d begun.
“What you said before—that I can’t bear the sight of you—it’s not true.” So not true.
“That’s the way it comes across.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Really sorry.”
She could feel the sudden stillness in him, almost as if she’d shot him. He was staring at her, his eyes burning. With doubt?
Ellie’s eyes were stinging. She didn’t want to cry, but she could no longer see the paddocks. Her heart was racing.
She almost told Joe that she actually fancied the sight of him. Very much. Too much. That was her problem. That was why she was tense.
But it was too late for personal confessions. Way too late. Years and years too late.
Instead she said, “I know I’ve been stupidly tense … about . . . everything, but it’s certainly not because I can’t stand the sight of you.” Quite the opposite …
Second Chance
with Her Soldier
Barbara Hannay
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
Reading and writing have always been a big part of BARBARA HANNAY’s life. She wrote her first short story at the age of eight for the Brownies’ writer’s badge. It was about a girl who was devastated when her family had to move from the city to the Australian Outback.
Since then, a love of both city and country lifestyles has been a continuing theme in Barbara’s books and in her life. Although she has mostly lived in cities, now that her family has grown up and she’s a full-time writer she’s enjoying a country lifestyle.
Barbara and her husband live on a misty hillside in Far North Queensland’s Atherton Tableland. When she’s not lost in the world of her stories she’s enjoying farmers’ markets, gardening clubs and writing groups, or preparing for visits from family and friends.
Barbara records her country life in her blog, Barbwired, and her website is: www.barbarahannay.com.
Contents
PROLOGUE (#u3baefb1f-0c99-5618-92f6-009db91fd65a)
CHAPTER ONE (#uf563d9b9-af54-5b1a-b90d-70c9f4dbf15a)
CHAPTER TWO (#uc0efef00-80b7-5751-a86f-0ed6cb6bf1a7)
CHAPTER THREE (#ue1949ba4-167e-5c1f-adc2-29924b1c8e17)
CHAPTER FOUR (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER FIVE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SIX (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER SEVEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER EIGHT (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER NINE (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER TEN (#litres_trial_promo)
CHAPTER ELEVEN (#litres_trial_promo)
EPILOGUE (#litres_trial_promo)
PROLOGUE
CORPORAL JOE MADDEN waited two whole days before he opened the email from his wife.
Avoidance was not Joe’s usual MO. It went against everything he’d learned in his military training. Strike swiftly was the Australian Commandos’ motto, and yet...here he was in Afghanistan, treating a rare message from Ellie as if it were more dangerous than an improvised explosive device.
Looming divorce could do that to a guy.
The fact that Joe had actually offered to divorce Ellie was irrelevant. After too many stormy years of marriage, he’d known that his suggestion was both necessary and fair, but the break-up certainly hadn’t been easy or painless.
Now, in his tiny hut in Tarin Kot, Joe scanned the two other email messages that had arrived from Australia overnight. The first was his aunt’s unhelpful reminder that she never stopped worrying about him. The other was a note from one of his brothers. This, at least, was glib and slightly crude and elicited a wry chuckle from Joe.
But he was left staring at Ellie’s as yet unopened email with its gut-churning subject heading: Crunch Time.
Joe knew exactly what this meant. The final divorce papers had arrived from their solicitor and Ellie was impatient to serve him with them.
Clearly, she was no longer prepared to wait till the end of his four years in the army, even though his reasons for suggesting the delay had been entirely practical.
Joe knew no soldier was safe in Afghanistan, and if he was killed while he and Ellie were still married, she would receive an Army widow’s full entitlements. Financially, at least, she would be OK.
Surely this was important? The worst could so easily happen here. In his frequent deployments, Joe faced daily, if not hourly, danger and he’d already lost two close mates, both of them brilliant, superbly trained soldiers. Death was a real and ever-present danger.
Joe had felt compelled to offer Ellie a safety net, so he’d been reassured to know that, whatever happened to him, she would be financially secure. But, clearly, getting out of their marriage now was more important to her than the long-term benefits.
Hell, she probably had another bloke lined up in the wings. Please, let it be anyone but that damn potato farmer her mother had hand-picked for her.
But, whatever Ellie’s reasons, the evidence of her impatience sat before Joe on the screen.
Crunch Time.
There was no point in avoiding this any longer. The coffee Joe had recently downed turned sour as he grimly clicked on the message.
* * *
It was a stinking-hot day at Karinya Station in Far North Queensland. The paddocks were parched and the cattle hungry as Ellie Madden delivered molasses to the empty troughs. The anxious beasts pushed and shoved at her, trying to knock the molasses barrel out of her hands, so of course she was as sticky and grimy as a candy bar dropped in dirt by the time she arrived back at the homestead.
Her top priority was to hit the laundry and scrub up to her elbows. That done, she strode through the kitchen, grabbed a jug of chilled water from the fridge, filled a glass and gulped it down. Taking another glassful with her to the study, she remained standing in her molasses-smeared jeans as she fired up her laptop.
Tension vibrated and buzzed inside her as the latest messages downloaded. Surely Joe would send his answer today?
She was so sick with apprehension she closed her eyes and held her breath until she heard the ping of the final message’s arrival. When she forced herself to peek at the screen again, she felt an immediate plunge of disappointment.
Nothing from Joe.
Not a word.
For fraught minutes, she stood staring at the screen, as if somehow she could will another email to appear. She hit �send and receive’, just to be sure.
Still nothing.
Why hadn’t he replied? What was the hold-up? Even if he’d been out on a patrol, he was usually back at camp within a day or two.
A ripple of fear trembled through her like chilling wind over water.
Surely he couldn’t have been injured? Not Joe.
The Army would have contacted her.
Don’t think about that.
Ever since her husband had joined the Army, Ellie had schooled herself to stomp on negative thoughts. She knew other Army couples had secret �codes’ for when they talked about anything dangerous, but she and Joe had lost that kind of closeness long ago. Now she quickly searched for a more likely explanation.
Joe was probably giving her email careful thought. After all, it would have come as a shock, and no doubt he was weighing up the pros and cons of her surprising proposal.
Wanting to reassure herself, Ellie reread the email she’d sent him, just to make sure that it still sounded reasonable.
She’d tried to put her case concisely and directly, keeping it free of emotion, which was only fitting now they’d agreed to divorce. Even so, as she read, she found herself foolishly trying to imagine how Joe would feel as her message unfolded.
Hi Joe,
I hope all is well with you.
I’m writing on a practical matter. I’ve had another invoice from the fertility clinic, you see, and so I’ve been thinking again about the frozen embryos. (Surprise, surprise.)
Joe, I know we signed that form when we started the programme, agreeing that, in the case of divorce, we would donate any of our remaining embryos to another infertile couple. But I’m sorry—I’m having misgivings about that.
I’ve given it a lot of thought, Joe. Believe me, a LOT of thought.
I’d like to believe I would be generous enough to hand over our embryos to a more deserving couple, but I can’t help thinking of those little frozen guys as MY babies.
I’ve thought around and around this, Joe, and I’ve decided that I really do want to have that one last try at IVF. I know you will probably be horrified. You’ll tell me that I’m setting myself up for another round of disappointment. I know this will come as a shock to you, and possibly a disappointment as well.
However, if by some amazing miracle I did become pregnant, I wouldn’t expect to change our plans re the divorce. I promise I wouldn’t try to use the baby to hold on to you, or anything manipulative like that.
As you know from past experience, success is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY, but I can’t go ahead with IVF without your consent and I wouldn’t want to, so obviously I’m very keen to hear your thoughts.
In the meantime, stay safe, Joe.
All the very best,
Ellie
Joe felt as if a grenade had exploded inches from his face.
I know this will come as a shock to you...
Hell, yeah. Never in a million years could he have imagined this possibility...
He’d assumed that the stressful times when he and Ellie had tried for a family were well and truly behind him.
Since he’d left Karinya Station, he hadn’t allowed himself to give a single thought to those few remaining embryos. How many were there? Two? Three?
A heavy weight pressed against his ribs now as he remembered the painful stretch of years when the IVF clinic had dominated his and Ellie’s lives. All their hopes and dreams had been pinned on the embryos. They’d even had a nickname for them.
Their sproglets.
So far, none of them had survived implantation...
The ordeal had been beyond heartbreaking.
Now... Joe had no doubt that Ellie was setting herself up for another round of bitter disappointment. And yet, for a crazy moment he almost felt hope flare inside him, the same hope that had skyrocketed and plunged and kept them on edge through those bleak years of trying.
Even now, Joe couldn’t help feeling hopeful for Ellie’s sake, although he knew that her chances of a successful pregnancy were slimmer than a hair’s breadth. And it stung him to know that she planned to go ahead this time on her own.
Truth was, he didn’t want to think about this. Not any aspect of it. He’d joined the Army to forget his stuffed-up life. Here, he had a visible, assailable enemy to keep him focused day and night.
Now Ellie was forcing him to once again contemplate fatherhood and all its responsibilities. Except, this time, it would be fatherhood in name only. She’d made it very clear that she still wanted the divorce, and Joe totally understood why. So even if there was an against-all-the-odds miracle and he found himself technically a father, his kid would never grow up under his roof.
They would be more or less strangers.
Almost as an accompaniment to this grim thought, an explosion sounded outside, too close for comfort. Through the hut’s window Joe saw bright flashes and smoke, heard frantic voices calling. Another rocket-propelled grenade had dumped—a timely reminder that danger and death were his regular companions.
There was no escaping that and, if he was honest, there was absolutely no point in going over and over this question of Ellie’s. It was a waste of time weighing up the pros and cons of his wife’s request.
Already Joe knew his answer. It was a clear no-brainer.
CHAPTER ONE
Three years later...
�ELLIE, IT’S MUM. Do you have the television on?’
�Television?’ Ellie’s response was incredulous. �Mum, I’ve just come in from the paddocks. Our dams are drying out. I’ve been wrestling with a bogged cow all afternoon and I’m covered in mud. Why? What’s on TV?’ The only show that interested Ellie these days was the weather.
�I just saw Joe,’ her mother said.
Ellie gasped. �On TV?’
�Yes, darling. On the news.’
�He...he hasn’t been hurt?’
�No, no, he’s fine.’ There was a dismissive note in her mother’s voice, a familiar reminder that she’d never approved of her daughter’s choice of husband and that, eventually, she’d been proved right. �You know he’s home for good this time?’
�He’s already back in Australia?’
�Yes, Ellie. His regiment or squadron or whatever it’s called has just landed in Sydney. I caught it on the early news, and there was a glimpse of Joe. Only a few seconds, mind you, but it was definitely him. And the reporter’s saying these troops won’t be going back to Afghanistan. I thought you should know.’
�OK. Thanks.’ Ellie pressed a hand to her chest, caught out by the unexpected thud of her heart.
�You might be able to catch the story on one of the other channels.’
�Yes, I guess.’
Ellie was trembling as she hung up. Of course she’d heard the news reports about a staged withdrawal of Australian troops, but it was still a shock to know that Joe was already home. For good this time.
As a Commando, Joe had been on dozens of short-term missions to Afghanistan, returning each time to his Army base down in New South Wales. But now he wouldn’t be going back.
And yet he hadn’t made any kind of contact.
It showed how very far apart they’d drifted.
Almost fearfully, Ellie glanced at the silent blank TV screen in the corner of the homestead lounge room. She didn’t really have time to turn it on. She was disgustingly muddy after her tussle in the dam with the bogged cow and she needed to get out of these stinking clothes. She wasn’t even sure why she’d rushed inside to answer the phone in this filthy state, but some instinct had sent her running.
She should get changed and showered before she did anything else. She wouldn’t even look for Nina and Jacko until she was clean.
But, even as she told herself what she should do, Ellie picked up the remote. More than one channel would cover the return.
It took a few seconds of scrolling before she found a scene at Mascot Airport and a journalist’s voiceover reporting an emotional welcome for the returning troops.
The screen showed the airport crowded with soldiers in uniform, hugging their wives and lifting their children high, their tanned, lean faces lit by unmistakable excitement and emotion.
Tears and happy smiles abounded. A grinning young man was awkwardly holding a tiny baby. A little girl hugged her daddy’s khaki-clad knee, trying to catch his attention while he kissed her mother.
Ellie’s throat ached. The scene was crammed with images of family joy. Tears pricked her eyes and she wondered where Joe was.
And then she saw him.
The man who would soon be her ex.
At the back of the crowd. Grim-faced. He was skirting the scenes of elated families, as if he was trying to keep out of camera range while he made his way purposefully to the exit.
He looked so alone.
With his green Commando’s beret set rakishly on his short dark hair, Joe looked so tall and soldierly. Handsome, of course. But, compared with his laughing, happy comrades, he also looked very severe. And so very alone.
Ellie’s mouth twisted out of shape. Tears spilled. She didn’t know why—she simply couldn’t help it.
Then the camera shifted to a politician who’d arrived to welcome the troops.
Quickly, she snapped the remote and the images vanished.
She let out her breath in a despairing huff. She felt shaken at seeing Joe again after so long. To her dismay, it had been more like a horse kick to her heart.
She drew a deeper calming breath, knowing she had to set unhelpful sentimentality aside. She’d been braced for Joe’s return and she’d known what was required.
Their divorce would be finalised now and it was time to be sensible and stoic. She knew very well there was no prospect of a happy reunion. She and Joe had made each other too miserable for too long. If she was honest, she wasn’t surprised that Joe hadn’t bothered to tell her his deployment was over. She didn’t mind really.
But she did mind that he hadn’t even asked to see Jacko.
* * *
Joe stood at the motel window on Sydney’s Coogee Beach, looking out at an idyllic moonlit scene of sea cliffs and rolling surf.
So, it was over. He was home—finally, permanently. On the long flight back from Afghanistan he’d been dreaming of this arrival.
For most Australians, December meant the beginning of the long summer holidays and Joe had looked forward to downing a cold beer at sunset in a bar overlooking the beach, and sitting on the sand, eating hot, crunchy fish and chips straight from the paper they were wrapped in, throwing the scraps to the seagulls.
This evening he’d done all of these things, but the expected sense of joy and relaxation hadn’t followed. Everything had felt strangely unreal.
It was unsettling, especially as his Commando training had taught him to adapt quickly to different environments and to respond effectively to any challenges.
Now he was home, in the safest and most welcoming of environments, and yet he felt detached and disconnected, as if he was standing on the outside, watching some stranger trying to enjoy himself.
Of course, he knew that the transition to civilian life would be tricky after years of strict training and dangerous combat. At least he’d been prepared for the Happy Family scenes at the airport today, but once he’d escaped those jubilant reunions he’d expected to be fine.
Instead he felt numb and deflated, as if nothing about this new life was real.
He stared at the crescent of pale sand below, silvery in the moonlight, at the rolling breakers and white foam spraying against the dark, rocky cliffs, and he half-wished he had new orders to obey and a dangerous mission to fulfil.
When his phone buzzed, he didn’t have the heart to answer it but, out of habit, he checked the caller ID.
It was Ellie.
His gut tightened.
He hadn’t expected her to call so soon, but perhaps she’d seen the TV news and she knew he was back in Sydney. No doubt she wanted to talk, to make arrangements.
His breathing went shallow as hope and dread warred inside him. Was he ready for this conversation?
It was tempting to let her call go through to voicemail, to see what she had to say and respond later. But in the last half-second he gave in. He swallowed to clear his throat. �Hi, Ellie.’
�Oh? Hello, Joe.’
They’d spoken a handful of times in the past three years.
�How are you?’ Joe grimaced, knowing how awkward he sounded. �How’s the kid?’
�We’re both really well, thanks. Jacko’s growing so fast. How are you?’
What could he say? �Fine. Home in one piece.’
�It must be wonderful to be back in Australia for good,’ she said warmly.
�Yeah, I guess.’ Too late he realised he should have sounded more enthusiastic.
�I...ah...’ Now, it was Ellie who seemed to be floundering for words.
They weren’t good at this. How could they be? An unhappy silence ticked by.
�I hear you’ve had a very dry year up north,’ Joe said, clumsily picking up the ball.
�We have, but the weather bureau’s predicting a decent wet season.’
�Well, that’s good news.’
Joe pictured Karinya, the Far North Queensland cattle station that he and Ellie had leased and set up together when they’d first been married and afloat on love and hope and a thousand happy dreams. In his mind’s eye, he could see the red dirt of the inland and the pale, sparse grass dotted with cattle, the rocky ridges and winding creeks. The wide blue overarching sky.
When they’d split, Ellie had stubbornly insisted on staying up there and running the place on her own. Even when the much-longed-for baby had arrived she’d stayed on, hiring a manager at first while she was pregnant, and then a nanny to help with the baby while Ellie continued to look after the cattle business as well as her son.
His son. Their son.
�Joe, I assume you want to see Jacko,’ Ellie said quickly.
He gritted his teeth against the sudden whack of emotion. There’d been opportunities to visit North Queensland between his many missions, but he’d only seen their miracle baby once. He’d flown to Townsville and Ellie had driven in to the coast from Karinya. They’d spent an awkward afternoon in a park on Townsville’s Strand and Joe had a photo in his wallet to prove it.
Now the kid was two years old.
�Of course I’d like to see Jacko,’ he said cautiously. How could a father not want to see his own son? �Are you planning to come in to Townsville again?’
�I’m sorry, Joe, I can’t. It’s more or less impossible for me to get away just now. You know what it’s like in December. It’s calving time, and I’m busy with keeping supplements and water up to the herd. And Nina—that’s the nanny—wants to take her holidays. She’d like to go home to Cairns for Christmas, and that’s understandable, so I’m trying to manage here on my own. I...um...thought you might be able to come out here.’
Joe’s jaw tightened. �To the homestead?’
�Yes.’
His brow furrowed. �But even if I fly to Townsville, I wouldn’t be able to make it out to Karinya and back again in a day.’
�Yes, I know...you’d have to stay overnight. There...there’s a spare bed. You could have Nina’s room.’
Whoa.
Joe flinched as if he’d been hit by a sniper. He held the phone away at arm’s length as he dragged a shaky breath. He’d been steeling himself for the heart slug of another meeting with his son, but he’d always imagined another half hour in Townsville—a handover of gifts, maybe a walk in the park and another photo of himself with the kid, a memory to treasure.
Get it over, and then goodbye.
He wasn’t sure he was prepared to stay at Karinya, spending all that time with young Jacko, as Ellie called him, spending a night there as well.
That had to be a bad idea.
Crazy.
�Joe, are you still there?’
�Yeah.’ The effort to sound cool and calm made him grimace. �Ellie, I’m not sure about going out there.’
�What do you mean? You do want to see your little boy, don’t you?’
The hurt in her voice was crystal freaking clear.
�I...I do... Sure, of course I want to see him.’
�I thought you’d want to at least give him a Christmas present, Joe. He’s old enough now to understand about presents.’
Joe sighed.
�But if you’d rather not...’ Her voice was frosty now, reminding him of the chill factor that had caused him so much angst in the past.
�Look, I just got back. I’m jet-lagged, and there’s all kinds of stuff to sort out here.’ It wasn’t totally the truth and Ellie probably guessed he was stalling.
�You and I have things to sort out, too.’
Joe drew a sharp breath. �Do you have the papers from the solicitor?’
�All ready and waiting.’
�OK.’ He felt the cold steel of a knife at his throat. �Can I call you in the morning?’
By then he’d hopefully have his head together.
�Sure, Joe. Whatever.’ Again, he heard the iciness that had plunged their once burning passion to below freezing point.
�Thanks for the call, Ellie.’ With an effort he managed to sound non-combative, aware they were already falling into the old patterns that had eroded their marriage—constantly upsetting each other and then trying to placate, and then upsetting each other yet again. �And thanks for the invitation.’
�No worries,’ she said, sounding very worried indeed.
* * *
Damn him!
Ellie stood beside the phone, arms tightly crossed, trying to hold herself together, determined she wouldn’t allow her disappointment to spill over into tears. She’d shed enough tears over Joe Madden to last two lifetimes.
It had taken considerable courage to ring him. She was proud she’d made the first move. But what had she expected? Warmth and delight from Joe?
What a fool she could be.
If Joe came to Karinya, it would be to sign the papers and nothing more. He would be businesslike and distant with her and with Jacko. How on earth had she once fallen for such a cold man?
Blinking and swiping at her eyes, Ellie walked softly through the house to the door to Jacko’s room. Her little boy slept with a night light—an orange turtle with a purple and green spotted bow tie—and in the light’s glow she could see the golden sheen of his hair, the soft downy curve of his baby-plump cheek.
He looked small and vulnerable when he was asleep, but in the daytime he was a ball of energy, usually good-natured and sunny, and gleefully eager to embrace life—the life he’d been granted so miraculously.
Ellie knew Joe would melt when he saw him. Surely?
Perhaps Joe sensed this possibility. Perhaps he was afraid?
Actually, that was probably close to the truth. The Joe Madden she remembered would rather face a dangerous enemy intent on death and destruction than deal with his deepest emotions.
Ellie sighed. This next phase of her life wasn’t going to be easy, but she was determined to be strong while she and Joe sorted out the ground rules for their future. The impending divorce had been hanging over them for years like an axe waiting to fall. Now, she just wanted it to be over. Finalised.
But she planned to handle the arrangements with dignity and good sense, and she aimed to be mature and evolved in all her dealings with Joe.
It probably helped that they were more or less strangers now.
* * *
This was a bad idea. Crazy.
The more Joe paced in his motel room, the more he was sure that going back to the homestead was a risk he didn’t want to take. Of course he was curious to see his son, but he’d always anticipated that his final meeting with Ellie would be in a lawyer’s office. Somewhere neutral, without memories attached.
Going back to Karinya was bound to be painful, for a thousand different reasons.
He had to remember all the sane and sensible reasons why he’d suggested the divorce, beginning with the guilty knowledge that he’d more or less trapped Ellie into marriage in the first place.
The unexpected pregnancy, their hasty marriage followed by a miscarriage and a host of fertility issues.
Now, since Jacko’s arrival, the goalposts had shifted, but Joe had no illusions about a reconciliation with Ellie. After four years in the Army, he was a hardened realist and he’d seen too much injury and death to believe in second chances.
Of course, today hadn’t been the only time Joe had landed back in Australia to find himself the sole father in his unit with no family to greet him. He was used to seeing his mates going home with their wives and kids, knowing they were sharing meals and laughter, knowing they were making love to their wives, while he paced in an empty motel room.
Until today, his return visits had always been temporary, a short spot of leave before he was back in action. This time, it was unsettling to know he wouldn’t be going back to war. His four years of service were over.
Yeah, of course he was lucky to still be alive and uninjured. And yet, tonight, after one phone conversation with Ellie, Joe didn’t want to put a name to how he felt, but it certainly wasn’t any version of lucky.
Of course, if he hadn’t been so hung up on leaving a widow’s pension for her, they would have been divorced years ago when they’d first recognised that their marriage was unsalvageable. They could have made a clean break then, and by now he would have well and truly adjusted to his single status.
Almost certainly, there wouldn’t have been a cute complication named Jackson Joseph Madden.
Jacko.
Joe let out his breath on a sigh, remembering his excitement on the day the news of his son’s birth came through. It had been such a miracle! He’d even broken his habitual silence about his personal life and had made an announcement in the mess. There’d been cheering and table-thumping and back slaps, and he’d passed his phone around with the photos that Ellie had sent of a tiny red-faced baby boy wrapped in a blue and white blanket.
He’d almost felt like a regular proud and happy new father.
Later, on leave, when his mates quizzed him about Ellie and Jacko, he was able to use the vast distance between the Holsworthy Base and their Far North Queensland cattle station as a valid excuse for his family’s absence.
Now that excuse no longer held.
He and Ellie had to meet and sign the blasted papers. He supposed it made sense to travel up to Karinya straight away.
It wouldn’t be a picnic, though, seeing Ellie again and looking around the property they’d planned to run together, not to mention going through another meeting with the son he would not help Ellie to raise.
And, afterwards, Joe would be expected to go home to his family’s cattle property in Central Queensland, where his mother would smother him with sympathy and ply him with questions about the boy.
As an added hurdle, Christmas was looming just around the corner, bringing with it a host of emotional trapdoors.
Surely coming home should be easier than this?
CHAPTER TWO
WHEN ELLIE’S PHONE rang early next morning, Jacko was refusing to eat his porridge and he was banging his spoon on his high chair’s tray, demanding. �Eggie,’ at the top of his voice.
For weeks now, Nina, the nanny, had supervised Jacko’s breakfast while Ellie was out at the crack of dawn, delivering supplements to the cattle and checking on the newborn calves and their mothers.
Now Nina was in Cairns with her family for Christmas and as the phone trilled, Ellie shot a despairing glance to the rooster-shaped kitchen wall clock. No one she knew would call at this early hour.
Jacko shrieked again for his boiled egg.
Ellie was already in a bad mood when she answered. �Hello? This is Karinya.’
�Good morning.’ It was Joe, sounding gruff and businesslike. Very military.
�Good morning, Joe.’ Behind Ellie, Jacko wailed, �Eggie,’ more loudly than ever.
�Would Friday suit?’
She frowned. Did Joe have to be so clipped and cryptic? �To come here?’
�Yes.’
Friday was only the day after tomorrow. It wasn’t much warning. Ellie’s heart began an unhelpful drumming, followed by a flash of heat, as if her body had a mind of its own, as if it was remembering, without her permission, the fireworks Joe used to rouse in her. His kisses, his touch, the sparks a single look from him could light.
In the early days of their marriage, they hadn’t been able to keep their hands off each other. Back in the heady days before everything went wrong, before their relationship exploded into a thousand painful pieces.
�I could catch a flight that arrives in Townsville around eight a.m.,’ Joe said. �If I hire a car, I could probably get to Karinya around mid-afternoon.’
�Eggie!’ Jacko bawled in a fully-fledged bellow.
�Is that the kid crying?’
His name’s Jacko, Ellie wanted to remind Joe. Why did he have to call him �the kid’?
Holding the receiver to one ear, she filled a cup with juice and handed it to Jacko, hoping it would calm him. �He’s waiting for his breakfast.’
Jacko accepted the juice somewhat disconsolately, and at last the room was blessedly silent.
�So how about Friday?’ Joe asked again.
At the thought of seeing him in less than forty-eight hours, Ellie took a deep, very necessary breath. �Friday will be fine.’
It would have to be fine. They had to do this. They had to get it over and behind them. Only then could they both finally move on.
* * *
Joe was an hour away from Karinya when he noticed the gathering clouds. The journey had taken him west from Townsville to Charters Towers and then north through Queensland’s more remote cattle country. It was an unhappily nostalgic drive, over familiar long, straight roads and sweeping open country, broken by occasional rocky ridges or the sandy dip of a dry creek bed.
The red earth and pale, drought-bleached grass were dotted with cattle and clumps of acacia and ironbark trees. It was a landscape Joe knew as well as his own reflection, but he’d rarely allowed himself to think about it since he’d left Queensland five and a half years ago.
Now, he worked hard to block out the memories of his life here with Ellie. And yet every signpost and landmark seemed to trigger an unstoppable flow.
He was reliving the day he and Ellie had first travelled up here, driving up from Ridgelands in his old battered ute. No one else in either of their families had ventured this far north, and the journey had felt like an adventure, as if they were pioneers pushing into new frontiers.
He remembered their first sight of Karinya—coming over a rise and seeing the simple iron-roofed homestead set in the middle of grassy plains. On the day they’d signed up for the long-term lease they’d been buzzing with excitement.
On the day their furniture arrived, Ellie had raced around like an enthusiastic kid. She’d wanted to help shift the furniture, but of course Joe wouldn’t let her. She was pregnant, after all. So she’d unpacked boxes and filled cupboards. She’d made up their bed and she’d scrubbed the bathroom and the kitchen, even though they’d been perfectly clean.
She’d baked a roast dinner, which was a bit burnt, but they’d laughed about it and picked off the black bits. And Ellie had been incredibly happy, as if their simple house in the middle of hundreds of empty acres represented a long and cherished dream that had finally come true.
When they made love on that first night it was as if being in their new bed, in their new home, had brought them a new level of connection and closeness they hadn’t dreamed was possible.
Afterwards they’d lain close and together they’d watched the stars outside through the as yet uncurtained bedroom window.
Joe had seen a shooting star. �Look!’ he’d said, sitting up quickly. �Did you see it?’
�Yes!’ Ellie’s eyes were shining.
�We should make a wish,’ he said and, almost without thinking, he wished that they could always be as happy as they were on this night.
Ellie, however, was frowning. �Have you made your wish?’ she asked.
�Yes.’ He smiled at her. �What about you?’
�No, I haven’t. I...I don’t know if I want to.’ She sounded perplexingly frightened. �I...I don’t really like making wishes. It’s too much like tempting fate.’
Surprised, Joe laughed at her fears. He ran a gentle hand down her arm and lightly touched her stomach, where their tiny baby lay.
�Do you think I should make a wish?’ Ellie’s expression was serious now.
�Sure.’ Joe was on top of the world that night. �What harm can it do?’
She smiled and nestled into his embrace. �OK. I wish for a boy. A cute little version of you.’
Three weeks later, Ellie had a miscarriage.
Remembering, Joe let out an involuntary sigh. Enough.
Don’t go there.
He forced his attention back to the country stretching away to the horizon on either side of the road. Having grown up on a cattle property, he was able to assess the condition of the cattle he passed and the scant remaining fodder. There was no question that the country needed rain.
Everywhere, he saw signs of drought and stress. Although Ellie would have employed contract fencers and ringers for mustering, she must have worked like a demon to keep up with the demands of the prolonged drought.
He found himself questioning, as he had many times, why she’d been so stubbornly determined to stay out here. Alone.
He stopped for bad coffee and a greasy hamburger in a tiny isolated Outback servo, and it was only when he came outside again that he saw the dark clouds gathering on the northern horizon. Too often in December, clouds like these merely taunted graziers without bringing rain, but, as he drove on, drawing closer to Karinya, the clouds closed in.
Within thirty minutes the clouds covered the entire spread of the sky, hovering low to the earth like a cotton wool dressing pressed down over a wound.
As Joe turned off the main road and rattled over the cattle grid onto the track that led to the homestead, the first heavy drops began to fall, splattering the hire vehicle’s dusty windscreen. By the time he reached the house the rain was pelting down.
To his faint surprise, Ellie was on the front veranda, waiting for him. She was wearing an Akubra hat and a Drizabone coat over jeans but, despite the masculine gear, she looked as slim and girlish as ever.
She had another coat over her arm and she hurried down the front steps, holding it out to him. Peering through the heavy curtain of rain, Joe saw unmistakable worry in her dark brown eyes.
�Here,’ she yelled, raising her voice above the thundering noise on the homestead’s iron roof, and as soon as he opened the driver’s door, she shoved the coat through the chink.
A moment later, he was out of the vehicle, with the coat over his head, and the two of them were dashing through the rain and up the steps.
�This is incredible, isn’t it?’ Ellie gasped as they reached the veranda. �Such lousy timing.’ She turned to Joe. Beneath the dripping brim of her hat, her dark eyes were wide with concern.
He wondered if he was the cause.
�Have you heard the weather report?’ she asked.
He shook his head. �Not a word. I haven’t had the radio on. Why? What’s happening?’
�A cyclone. Cyclone Peta. It started up in the Gulf yesterday afternoon, and crossed the coast mid-morning. It’s dumping masses of rain further north.’
�I guess that’s good news.’
�Well, yes, it is. We certainly need the rain.’ She frowned. �But I have a paddock full of cattle down by the river.’
�The Hopkins paddock,’ Joe said, remembering the section of their land that had flooded nearly every wet season.
Ellie nodded.
�We need to get them out of there,’ he said.
�I know.’ Her soft pink mouth twisted into an apologetic wincing smile. �Joe, I hate to do this to you when you’ve just arrived, but you know how quickly these rivers can rise. I’d like to shift the cattle this afternoon. Now, actually.’
�OK. Let’s get going, then.’
�You don’t mind?’
�’Course I don’t.’ In truth, he was relieved to have something practical to do. A mission to rescue cattle was a darn sight more appealing than sitting around drinking tea and trying to make polite conversation with his beautiful soon-to-be ex.
�It’s flat country, so we won’t need horses. I’ll have to take Jacko, though, so I thought I’d take the ute with the trail bike in the back.’
Joe nodded.
�One problem. I’d probably have to stay in the ute with Jacko.’ Ellie swallowed, as if she was nervous. �Would you mind...um...looking after the round-up?’
�Sure. Sounds like a plan.’ He chanced a quick smile. �As long as I haven’t lost my touch.’
As he said this, Ellie stared at him for longer than necessary, her expression slightly puzzled and questioning. She opened her mouth as if she was going to say something in response, but then she shook her head as if she’d changed her mind.
�I’ll get Jacko. He’s having an afternoon nap.’ She shrugged out of her coat and beneath it she was wearing a neat blue and white striped shirt tucked into jeans. Her waistline was still as trim as a schoolgirl’s.
When she took off her hat, Joe’s gaze fixed on her thick dark hair, pulled back into a glossy braid. Her hair had always been soft to touch despite its thickness.
�Come on in,’ she said awkwardly over her shoulder. �You don’t mind if we leave your gear in your car until later?’
He shrugged. �It’s only Christmas presents.’
�Would you...ah...like a cup of tea or anything?’
�No, I’m fine.’ The muddy coffee he’d had on the road would take a while to digest. �Let’s collect the kid and get this job done.’
They took off their boots and hung their wet coats on the row of pegs that Joe had mounted beside the front door when they’d first moved in here. To his surprise, his own battered elderly Akubra still hung on the end peg.
Of course, he’d known it would feel strange to follow Ellie into the house as her guest rather than her partner, but the knife thrust in his gut was an unpleasant addition.
The house was full of the furniture they’d chosen together in Townsville—the tan leather sofa and the oval dining table, the rocking chair Ellie had insisted on buying when she was first pregnant.
Joe wouldn’t take a stick of this furniture when they divorced. He was striking new trails.
�I’ll fetch Jacko,’ Ellie said nervously. �I reckon he’ll be awake by now.’
Unsure if he was expected to follow her, Joe remained standing, almost to attention, in the centre of the lounge room. He heard the creak of a floorboard down the hall and the soft warmth in Ellie’s voice as she greeted their son. Then he heard the boy’s happy crow of delight.
�Mummy, Mummy!’
Joe felt his heart twist.
Moments later, Ellie appeared in the doorway with Jacko in her arms. The boy was a sturdy little fellow, with glowing blue eyes and cheeks still pink and flushed with sleep. He was cuteness personified. Very blond—Joe had been blond until he was six and then his hair had turned dark.
The last time Joe had seen his son, he’d been a sleepy baby, barely able to hold his head up. Now he was a little man.
And he and Ellie were a winsome pair. Joe couldn’t help noticing how happy Ellie looked now, with an extra aura of softness and womanly warmth about her that made her lovelier than ever.
She was complete now, he decided. She had what she’d so badly wanted, and he was truly happy for her. Perhaps it was fitting that this miracle had only occurred after Joe had stepped out of the picture.
Jacko was grinning at him. �Man!’ he announced in noisy delight.
�This is Joe,’ Ellie told him, her voice a tad shaky. �You can say Joe, can’t you, big boy?’
�Joe!’ the boy echoed with a triumphant grin.
�So he’s going to call me Joe? Not Dad?’
Ellie frowned as if he’d let fly with a swear word.
�You’ve been away,’ she said tightly. �And you’re going away again. Jacko’s only two, and if you’re not going to be around us he can’t be expected to understand the concept of a father. Calling you Daddy would only confuse him.’
Joe’s teeth clenched. He almost demanded to know if she had another guy already waiting in the wings. A stepfather?
�Jacko’s bound to understand about fathers eventually,’ he said tersely.
�And we’ll face that explanation when the time is right.’ A battle light glowed in Ellie’s dark eyes.
Damn it, they were at it already. Joe gave a carefully exaggerated shrug. Whatever. He’d had enough of war at home and abroad. On this visit he was determined to remain peaceful.
He turned his attention to his son. �So how are you, Jacko?’
The boy squirmed and held out his arms. �Down,’ he demanded. �I want Man.’
With an anxious smile, Ellie released him.
The little boy rushed at Joe’s legs and looked up at him with big blue eyes and a grin of triumph.
What now? Joe thought awkwardly. He reached down and took his son’s tiny plump hand and gave it a shake. �Pleased to meet you, Jacko.’
He deliberately avoided noting Ellie’s reaction.
* * *
They drove down to the river flats with their son strapped into the toddler seat between them, and Ellie tried not to mind that Jacko seemed to be obsessed with Joe.
The whole way, the little boy kept giggling and making eyes at the tall dark figure beside him, and he squealed with delight when Joe pulled faces.
A man’s presence at Karinya was a novelty, of course, and Ellie knew that Jacko had been starved of masculine company. He was always intrigued by any male visitor.
Problem was that today Ellie was almost as intrigued as her son, especially when she watched Joe take off on the trail bike through the rain and the mud. He looked so spectacularly athletic and fit and so totally at home on the back of a motorbike, rounding up the herd, ducking and weaving through patches of scrub.
He certainly hadn’t lost his touch.
�Show-off,’ she muttered with a reluctant grim smile as he jumped the bike over a pile of fallen timber and then skilfully edged the stragglers forward into the mob, heading them up the slope towards the open gate where she was parked.
�Joe!’ Jacko cried, bouncing in his car seat and pointing through the windscreen. He clapped his hands. �Look, Mummy! Joe!’
�Yeah, he looks good, all right,’ Ellie had to admit. In terms of skill and getting the job done quickly, Joe might never have been away.
And that felt dangerous.
Out of the blue, she found herself remembering their wedding day and the short ceremony in the register office in Townsville. She and Joe had decided they didn’t want to go through awkward explanations about her pregnancy to their families, and neither of them had wanted the fuss of a big family wedding.
They’d both agreed they could deal with their families later. On that day, all they’d wanted was to commit to each other. Their elopement had seemed soooo romantic.
But it had also been reckless, Ellie thought now as she saw how brightly her son’s eyes shone as he watched Joe.
�Don’t be too impressed, sweetheart. Take Mummy’s word; it’s simply not worth it. That man will only break your heart.’
Jacko merely chortled.
* * *
It was dark by the time Joe came into the kitchen, having showered and changed into dry clothes. Outside, the rain still pelted down, drumming on the roof and streaming over the edge of the guttering, but Ellie had closed the French windows leading onto the veranda and the kitchen was bright and cosy.
She tried not to notice how red-hot attractive Joe looked in a simple white T-shirt and blue jeans, with his dark hair damp from the shower, his bright eyes an unforgettable piercing blue. The man was still unlawfully sexy.
But Joe seemed to have acquired a lone wolf aura now. In addition to his imperfect nose that had been broken in a punch-up when he was seventeen, there was a hard don’t-mess-with-me look in his eyes that made her wonder what he’d been through over the past four years.
Almost certainly, he’d been required to kill people, and she couldn’t quite get her head around that. How had that changed him?
The Army had kept the Commandos’ deployments short and frequent in a bid to minimise post-traumatic stress, but no soldier returned from war unscarred. These days, everyone knew that. For Ellie, there was the extra, heavily weighing knowledge that their unhappy marriage had pushed Joe in the Army’s direction.
And now, here they were, standing in the same room, but she was painfully aware of the wide, unbridgeable chasm that gaped open between them.
She turned and lifted the lid on the slow cooker, giving its contents a stir, wishing she was more on top of this situation.
�That smells amazing,’ said Joe.
She felt a small flush of satisfaction. She’d actually set their dinner simmering earlier in the day, hoping it would fill the kitchen with enticing aromas, but she responded to Joe’s compliment with a casual shrug and tried not to look too pleased. �It’s just a Spanish chicken dish.’
�Spanish?’ Joe raised a quizzical eyebrow.
No doubt he was remembering her previously limited range of menus. �I’ve broadened my recipe repertoire.’
Joe almost smiled, but then he seemed to change his mind. Sinking his hands into his jeans pockets, he looked around the kitchen, taking in the table set with red and white gingham mats and the sparkling white cupboards and timber bench tops. �You’ve also been decorating.’
Ellie nodded. �Before I became pregnant with Jacko I painted just about every wall and cupboard in the house.’
�The nesting instinct?’
�Something like that.’
Joe frowned at this, his eyes taking on an ambiguous gleam as he stared hard at the cupboards. His Adam’s apple jerked in his throat. �It looks great,’ he said gruffly.
But Ellie felt suddenly upset. It felt wrong to be showing off her homemaker skills when she had absolutely no plans to share this home with him.
�Where’s Jacko?’ he asked, abruptly changing the subject
�Watching TV. Nina’s recorded his favourite programmes, and he’s happy to watch them over and over. It helps him to wind down at the end of the day.’
This was met by a slow nod but, instead of wandering off to check out his son, Joe continued to stand in the middle of the kitchen with his hands in his pockets, his gaze thoughtful.
�He doesn’t watch a lot of TV,’ Ellie felt compelled to explain. �I...I usually read him story books as well.’
�I’m sure he loves that.’ Joe’s blue eyes blazed. �Chill, Ellie. I’m not here to judge you. I’m sure you’re a great mum. Fantastic.’
Her smile wobbled uncertainly. Why would this compliment make her want to cry?
They should try to relax. She should offer Joe a pre-dinner beer or a glass of wine.
But, before she could suggest this, he said, �So, I guess this is as good a time as any for me to sign those divorce papers?’
Ellie’s stomach dropped as if she’d fallen from the top of a mountain. �Well...um...yes,’ she said, but she had to grip the bench behind her before her knees gave way. �You could sign now...or after dinner.’
�It’s probably best to get it over with and out of the way.’
�I guess.’ Her reply was barely a whisper. It was ridiculous. She’d been waiting for this moment for so long. They’d arranged an out of court settlement and their future plans were clear—she would keep on with the lease at Karinya, and Joe had full access to Jacko, although she wasn’t sure how often he planned to see his son.
This settlement was what she wanted, of course, and yet she felt suddenly bereft, as if a great hole had opened up in her life, almost as if someone had died.
What on earth was the matter with her? Joe’s signature would provide her with her ticket of leave.
Freedom beckoned.
The feeling of loss was nothing more than a temporary lapse, an aberration brought on by the unscheduled spot of cattle work that she and Joe had shared this afternoon. Rounding up the herd by the river had felt too dangerously like the good old days when they’d still been in love.
�Ellie?’ Joe was standing stiffly to attention now, his eyes alert but cool, watching her intently. �You’re OK about this, aren’t you?’
�Yes, of course. I’m totally fine.’ She spoke quickly, not quite meeting his gaze, and then she drew a deep, fortifying breath, hoping it would stop the trembling in her knees. �The papers are in the study.’
�Ellie.’
The unexpected gentleness in his voice brought her spinning around. �Yes?’
�I wish...’
�What?’ She almost snapped this question.
What do you wish? Tell me quickly, Joe.
Did he wish they didn’t have to do this? Was he asking for another chance to save their marriage?
�I wish you didn’t look so pale and upset.’
Her attempt to laugh came out as a hiccup. Horrified, she seized on the handiest weapon—anger. It was the weapon she’d used so often with this man, firing holes into the bedrock of their marriage. �If I’m upset, Joe, it’s because this is a weird situation.’
�But we agreed.’ He seemed angry, too, but his anger was annoyingly cold and controlled. �It’s what you want, isn’t it?’
�Sure, we agreed, and yes, it’s what I want. But it’s still weird. How many people agree to a divorce and then put it on hold for four years?’
�You know why we did that—so you’d be looked after financially if I was killed.’
�Yes, I know, and that was generous of you. Just the same, it hasn’t been a picnic here.’ Suddenly, Ellie could feel the long months of tension giving way inside her, rushing to the surface, hot and explosive. �While you were away being the hero in Afghanistan, you were distracted by everything over there. But I was here, supposed to be divorced, but surrounded by all of this.’
Flinging her arm dramatically, she gestured to the homestead and the paddocks beyond. �Every day, I was left with the remnants of our lives together. A constant reminder of everything that went wrong.’
�So why did you stay?’ Joe asked coolly.
Ellie gasped, momentarily caught out. �I’m surprised you have to ask,’ she said quickly to cover her confusion.
He shrugged a cool, questioning eyebrow.
And Ellie looked away. She’d asked herself the same question often enough. She knew exactly why she’d stayed. Even now, she could hear her dad’s voice from all those years ago. If you start something, Ellie, you’ve got to see it through.
Her dad had told her this just before her thirteenth birthday. She’d been promised a horse for her birthday and he’d been building proper stables instead of the old two-sided tin shelter they’d had until then.
Ellie had helped him by holding hammers or the long pieces of timber and she’d handed up nails and screws. While they worked her dad had reminded her that owning a horse was a long-term project.
�You can’t take up a responsibility like a horse and then lose interest,’ he’d said. �I’ve known people like that. They never stick at anything, always have to be trying something different, and they end up unhappy and wondering what went wrong.’
Tragically, her father had never finished those stables. He’d also he’d been mending a windmill and he’d fallen and died three days before Ellie’s birthday. In the bleak months that followed, Ellie’s mum had sold their farm and moved into town, and the horse that should have been Ellie’s had gone to another girl in her class at school.
In a matter of months, Ellie lost everything—her darling father, her beloved farm, her dreams of owning a horse. And the bittersweet irony of her father’s words had been seared into her brain.
If you start something, you’ve got to see it through.
Years later, with a failed marriage and failed attempts at parenthood weighing her down, she’d been determined that she wouldn’t let go of Karinya as well.
�So why did you stay here?’ Joe repeated.
With her arms folded protectively over her chest, Ellie told him. �I love this place, Joe. I’m proud of it, and I’ve worked hard to improve it. It was hard enough giving up half a dream without giving up Karinya as well.’
Joe’s only reaction was to stand very still, watching her with a stern, unreadable gaze. If Ellie hadn’t been studying him with equal care, she might have missed the fleeting shadow that dimmed his bright blue eyes, or the telltale muscle twitching in his jaw.
But she did see these signs, and they made something unravel inside her.
Damn you, Joe. Tell me what you’re thinking.
Painful seconds ticked by, but neither of them moved nor spoke. Ellie almost reached out and said, Do we need to talk about this?
But it wasn’t an easy question to ask when it was Joe who’d originally suggested their divorce. He’d never shown any sign of backing down, so now her stubborn pride kept her silent.
Eventually, he said quietly, �So, about this signing?’
Depressed but resolute, Ellie pointed to the doorway to the study. �The papers are in here.’
As she reached the study, she didn’t look back to check that Joe was following her. Skirting the big old silky oak desk that they’d bought at an antique shop in Charters Towers, she marched straight to the shelves Joe had erected all those years ago and she lifted down a well-thumbed Manila folder.
She sensed Joe behind her but she didn’t look at him as she turned and placed the folder on the desk. In silence she opened it to reveal the sheaf of papers that she’d lodged with the courts.
�I guess you’ll want to read these through,’ she said, eyes downcast.
�There’s no need. Geoffrey Bligh has sent me a copy. I know what it says.’
�Oh? All right.’ Ellie opened a drawer and selected a black pen. �So, I’ve served you with the papers, and all you need to do now is sign to acknowledge that you accept them.’ She still couldn’t look him in the eye.
She was trembling inside and she took a deep breath.
�There,’ she said dully, setting the appropriate sheet of paper on the desk and then stepping away to make room for Joe.
His face was stonily grim as he approached the desk, but he showed no sign of hesitation as he picked up the pen.
As he leaned over the desk, Ellie watched the neat dark line of his hair across the back of his neck and she saw a vein pulsing just below his ear. She noticed how strong his hand looked as he gripped the pen.
Unhelpfully, she remembered his hand, those fingers touching her when they made love. It seemed so long ago and yet it was so unforgettable.
There’d been a time in their marriage when they’d been so good at sex.
Joe scrawled his spiky signature, then set the pen down and stood staring fiercely at the page now decorated with his handwriting.
It was over.
In the morning he would take this final piece of paper with him to their solicitor but, to all intents and purposes, they were officially and irrevocably divorced.
And now they had to eat dinner together. Ellie feared the Spanish chicken would taste like dust in her mouth.
CHAPTER THREE
IT SHOULD HAVE been cosy eating Ellie’s delicious meal in the homestead kitchen to the accompaniment of the steadily falling rain. But Joe had dined in Kabul when a car bomb exploded just outside and he’d felt more relaxed then than he did now with his ex.
It shouldn’t be this way.
All their tensions were supposed to be behind them now. They were no longer man and wife. Their marriage was over, both in reality and on paper. It was like signing a peace treaty. No more disputes. Everything was settled.
They were free. Just friends. No added expectations.
And yet Ellie had barely touched the food she’d taken so much trouble to prepare. Joe supposed she wished he was gone—completely out of her hair.
As long as he hung around this place, they would both be besieged by this edgy awareness of each other that kept them on tenterhooks.
Ellie was meticulously shredding the tender chicken on her plate with her fork. �So what are your plans now?’ she asked in the carefully polite tone people used when they were making an effort to maintain a semblance of normality. �Are you staying in the Army?’
Joe shook his head. �I have a job lined up—with a government team in the Southern Ocean—patrolling for poachers and illegal fishermen.’
�The Southern Ocean?’ Ellie couldn’t have looked more surprised or upset if he’d announced he was going to mine asteroids in outer space. �So...so Jacko won’t see you at all?’
Annoyed by this, Joe shrugged. �If you plan to stay out here, it wouldn’t matter what sort of work I did—I still wouldn’t be able to see the boy very often.’
�There’s an Army base in Townsville.’
This was a surprise. He’d expected Ellie to be pleased that he’d be well away from her. �As I said, I’m leaving the Army.’
Ellie’s eyes widened. �I thought you loved it. I thought it was supposed to be what you’d always wanted.’
�It was,’ Joe said simply. For possibly the first time in his life, he’d felt a true sense of belonging with his fellow Commandos. He’d grown up as the youngest in his family, but he’d always been the little nuisance tag-along, hanging around his four older brothers, never quite big enough to keep up, never quite fitting in.
In the Army he’d truly discovered a �band of brothers’, united by the challenge and threat of active service. But everything about the Army would be different now, and he couldn’t bear the thought of a desk job.
Ellie dipped her fork into a pile of savoury rice, but she didn’t lift it to her mouth. �I can’t see you in a boat, rolling around in the Southern Ocean. You’ve always been a man of the land. You have all the bush skills and knowledge.’
It was true that Joe loved the bush, and he’d especially loved starting his own cattle business here at Karinya. But what was the point of rehashing ancient history?
�I guess I feel like a change,’ he said with a shrug.
�When do you have to start this new job?’
�In a few weeks. Mid-January.’
�That soon?’
He shrugged again. He was pleased he had an approaching deadline. Given the mess of his private life, he needed a plan, somewhere definite to go with new horizons.
�Will you mind—’ Ellie began, but then she swallowed and looked away. �Will it bother you that you won’t see much of Jacko?’
Joe inhaled a sharp, instinctively protective breath. He was trying really hard not to think too much about his son, about all the milestones he’d already missed and those he would miss in the future—the day-to-day adventure of watching a small human being come to terms with the world. �Maybe I’ll be more use to him later on, when he’s older.’
It was clearly the wrong thing to say.
Ellie’s jaw jutted. She looked tenser than ever. Awkward seconds ticked by. Joe wished he didn’t have to try so damn hard, even now, after they’d broken up.
�What about you?’ he asked. �I haven’t asked how you are now. Are you keeping well?’
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